My Quadruple Bypass

After leaving Clarkdale on Tuesday I drove south to pick up I-8 West towards my ultimate destination... San Diego. After an hour or so I began feeling chest pains accompanied by dizzyness. A person's health is not something to be trifled with so I decided to seek medical attention. I immediately sped to Heart Attack Grill... the pride of Chandler, AZ. I teetered into the clinic and was met by Nurse DJ. She is an experienced and gifted health care professional who immediately diagnosed my condition. It was serious and required immediate attention. Before treatment began I was placed in a surgical gown and had an ID bracelet wrapped around my wrist. In the operating room I was informed I required Heart Attack Grill's most aggressive procedure... the quadruple bypass burger. The quadruple bypass burger consists of four 1/4 lb. cheeseburgers on a bun smeared with lard. The prospect frightened me but Nurse DJ was a great source of comfort. She assured me the quadruple bypass burger in conjunction with the unlimited French Fry bar (aka. "Flatliner" fries, they're cooked in pure lard) might be difficult to endure but ultimately would ensure the long term success of my hospitalization. Nurses are caregivers and she stayed with me throughout the ordeal. Bless her heart. During recovery I learned a couple of things about Heart Attack Grill's protocol. Any patient weighing in excess of 350 lbs. is treated for free... all day and every day. A patient who survives a triple or quadruple bypass burger is placed in a wheelchair and escorted to their car.

I was feeling fit as a fiddle! So good, in fact, that I opted not to use the provided state-of-the-art blood pressure machine. However before my release Dr. John, the chief Lardiologist, insisted on giving me a final examination.